First Day 2010

First Day... and, well, 2009 was, I hope, the end of a two-and-a-half-year period that is no doubt the biggest debacle of my life. The summer of 06 saw me give up in horror and shame and defeat over damage I caused to important relationships that were dear to me, as well as relinquishing my faith and already-stumbling/tripping/wandering walk with God out of stubborn will and anger and disappointment.

By autumn I had lost my great 12-year job at the law school, lost my sanity in a then-unknown prescription drug side-effect, lost my wonderful church and most of my friends, some by their decision, some by mine. Thought I could take what I wanted like Eve wresting an apple from the tree, fell in love with someone completely wrong for me and lived with him almost 2 years (July 07 - Mar 09). He gave me my walking papers and I limped away with a broken heart and all the i-told-you-so's ringing in my ears.

And in my usual style of overdoing things, threw myself into an addiction to World of WarCraft videogame, lol, which has been the only comfort or distraction over grief and self-loathing. Landed the most fabulous job I've ever had in November 2008 up until now after 13 months of desperate unemployment -- for which I give God thanks in His mercy to me.

Three old friends in particular, and one new one too, suffered along through my psychological weirdness, and now that I stand on the edge of 2010's plain, I feel like I'm starting over and can move forward, leaving all of that behind -- borrowing on their love and hope and faith. I have to believe there are many other people in my past who have remembered me in prayer, even the ones I so hurt and disappointed, and I wish I knew how to fix all of that and how to love them back.

For Christmas I got wonderful things from my wonderful friend of more than 25 years. She knows who she is and so does everyone in the part of the world her sweet life touches. She gave me:

{1} An exhortation to not-die but to live;
{2} A pledge to present one happiness idea to me every day of 2010 (such as something to cause a smile, a joke, a cartoon, a weblink, an activity, a book, a prayer, an outing, could be anything small or big... and she's already given herself a 6/7-day credit against future months when she may run out of ideas or energy toward this lame friend of hers);
{3} A stunningly beautiful complex illustrated book of the Psalms of David;
{4} Another book from her deceased father's famous library called "More Truth than Poetry" which is a cool folksy book of verses about everyday things;
{5} A rather sizeable bag of gingerbread men, likely my only boyfriends for awhile, which are made partly out of dark chocolate (you know how dark chocolate has many more health benefits);
{6} Three little pairs of sparkly earrings (maybe I'll listen better when wearing those);
{7} A children's Christmas movie I wanted and wanted and which we watched together Christmas Eve just kinda barely enjoying, and it was the "wrong one" that I hadn't realized was a re-make, lol;
{8} A cinnamon sachet to help my socks smell better right out of the drawer;
{9} Cute cute brown-paper-sack-type lunch bags, but blue and decorated in Mary Engelbreit-style to promote my resolve to bring my lunch to the office instead of eating in the cafeteria; and
{10} A "Gold Star" -- which I for sure don't deserve -- a weighty solid brass star hanging on a ribbon and large enough to cover the palm of my hand and it has Joy engraved into it.

For my birthday last Tuesday, I got to go to dinner at the Bohemian restaurant lodge, kind of a quirky restaurant I'd never been to and that had awesome food. I tried hot buttered rum and it was okay. There was a news story on Yahoo yesterday about a woman who was injured in a restaurant because a moose head fell off the wall and hit her. She's suing the restaurant for negligence, and I'm sure it's not the least bit funny to her, but I couldn't help but laugh when I read it. I do believe I sat directly underneath a moose head with my wonderful friend just right across the table.

On THAT night she gave me another book called "Reaching for the Invisible God" by Philip Yancey, a DE-luxe EPIC desk calendar of World of WarCraft, and last but not least, the "real" Prancer movie that we watched that night and instantly liked better, lol.

So this morning is First Day. I've already spent some time in the Psalms of David and the Philip Yancey book. I've managed to write this entry instead of first trying to slay an imaginary dragon, I intend on walking around the block at some point as well as doing some housework, and I'm feeling somewhat 'un-moored' from the old harbor and tentatively, hopefully sailing away into a new sea. Those old buildings beyond the pier, the man standing on shore (who actually isn't standing there anymore but I still see his shadow) and all the bad streets behind them ... starting to get smaller and smaller in the distance as I drift away to... who knows where. It's out to sea right now with Rwandan tea and a crew of gingerbread men.

Thank you all for being a part of my life. Happy new year to everyone. We're one year closer to the End of Time, maybe? Like it says in the last verse of Revelation... Come quickly Lord Jesus... and I hope He takes me with Him and you when He does.

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A Prayer - by Julian Snow, 1931

Whether we live in cities,
Whether we live in towns,
Whether we're old or kiddies,
Life has its ups and downs.

Down we plunge every day,
Then up again we whirl;
Grant us, Oh Lord, the unconcern
Of our elevator girl.